[OOM] Cold Compromise

[thesecondjade]

Once he was through the wood, trees gave way to thick bamboo stalks, and then to the coolness of Cloud Recesses. It was the ideal return, honestly; he could quickly strip and soak himself to regain his control. With the freezing waters keeping him from feeling hot shame breathing against his neck, he can find calm. It's hard to focus on literally anything except one's body when one is chest deep in icy waters.

It was only after he had forced himself into a state of calm that he felt like he was fully back in control. Wei Ying knew now: that was ultimately meanginessly. Lan Zhan never expected him to ever look his way. What would he do? Be the qidi to Lan Zhan's qixiong? Foolishness. Wei Ying asked for his friendship with one hand and spurned it with another. There was something deeply wrong with him, besides.

Something that Lan Zhan cannot mend. Hopelessness settles in his belly like ice, but it's hard to care when the rest of him is already so very cold.

Eventually, he dried himself off and dressed, picking his way up the hill a bit to seat himself among the rabbits.

"Have a word with Tu'er Shen, and ask him to spare me some kindness," he said to one rabbit, stroking it's ears. "Make Wei Ying forget me, and let my heart go."

The rabbit just nibbled on grass from his hand, and both sat in silence as the sun chased the western horizon.

Comments

[reachforblueskies]

The fact that Lan Wangji believes that his older brother will stop interfering in his life just shows how upset and off-balance he is. Lan Xichen has been interfering in Lan Wanji's life for pretty much all of their lives.

It's his brotherly duty.

And joy.

"I have heard there is this marvelous new invention, called the 'letter'." Lan Xichen notes, his voice droll. "You may have heard of it."

[thesecondjade]

"Who would post to the Burial Mounds?" Lan Zhan says, giving his brother a withering look. The drama of the still-young, who had their youth burned, pillaged and slaughtered. "Do you think he sent a fierce corpse with a missive? There are no letters."

[reachforblueskies]

No letters, no news... hmm.

"So tell me, Wangji. This time yesterday you were diligently composing, and I was diligently informing Lan Qiren that you were allowed to compose anything you liked, so long as it wasn't harmful. And today I haven't heard a single note. What has happened?"

[thesecondjade]

"Completed," he says, like that's the only thing that matters. He composed, it's done, nothing more needs to be said.

[reachforblueskies]

"What is the title of the finished piece?" Lan Xichen asks politely, a if he hasn't known Lan Wangji to be shockingly frank with his naming since they were both children.

[thesecondjade]

He wants to give into impulse and say 'irrelevant,' or worse, 'boring.' But he knows the song works, and it gives the opportunity to work on a more advanced, layered piece for cultivation and qi work. But...

"Joy," he finally answers.

[reachforblueskies]

"Joy." Lan Xichen echoes, taking in his brother, who is hiding away amongst the rabbits rather than writing out a clean copy of the song for the library, as one would expect for a rightfully proud composer. "Does it not work?"

He knows it must, his little brother wrote it after all, but clearly something has gone wrong.

[thesecondjade]

"It functions as expected," Lan Zhan throws his brother a bone, hoping he'll chew on that instead of digging further. "Opens room for further layering composition. More study needed."

[reachforblueskies]

If anything Lan Xichen is more worried than before - he can tell when his little brother is stonewalling him, but why would that be necessary with the creation of a new piece of spiritual music? He can't imagine someone would be bullying Wangji - certainly no one in Cloud Recesses would want to, or even dare. They have no visiting disciples at the moment, so...

"So if it isn't your music that is the problem, what is?" The best way to find an answer, after all, is to ask the question.

Over and over and over again, if your asking the question of a stubborn younger brother.

[thesecondjade]

"Heir and a spare," he says, completely out of the blue, because he can at least throw Lan Xichen something -- something that does relate, even if it's not the actual problem. "Sect requirement for bloodline. What happens if neither want to marry or have children?"

Because he knows he has no interest, and Lan Xichen? Well, he knows who he's close to, and, well. Jin Guangyao definitely doesn't have birthing hips.

[reachforblueskies]

Ah, it's one of those conversations, is it? He's never sure if he should be thankful they haven't had many of them... or worried that they haven't had many of them.

"The same thing that would happen if we had both been killed in war - the bloodlines can be traced to a fair number of distantly-related cousins, if one takes the time to look hard enough. The elders might fuss, but they are always going to fuss about something."

[thesecondjade]

"Are you sure?" Lan Zhan asks, stomach gone slippery-sick at the idea of Lan Qiren deciding anything else for him -- especially just bargaining him up a wife. He wouldn't put it past him to try. "It's different when you have two corpses, instead of two men who want nothing to do with it."

[reachforblueskies]

"There would probably be some uproar, but nothing that couldn't be weathered." He offers, serenely. He may be painting things a bit more rosily than they truly deserve - there would be an absolute riot amongst the elders, and Lan Qiren would rage, but... he knows himself, and if his brother is steadfast, then who is going to move them?

"Do you truly want nothing to do with marriage?"

[thesecondjade]

"Marriage holds no interest for me." Women, more specifically, don't, but they're who you get married to. You don't get married to other boys. Not really.

Children, he likes. But you don't get those without a woman, either. He can teach, he supposes. He likes doing that, too. But no marriage. He won't lie and pledge himself to someone who cannot give himself wholly to.

It'd make him too much like his mother.

[reachforblueskies]

"Marriage in particular, or..." Lan Xichen trails off meaningfully, raising an eyebrow.

Look, he saw how Wangji looked at Wei Wuxian all those summers ago, how he continued to look at Wei Wuxian. He might at times be overly optimistic, but he's not a fool.

[thesecondjade]

Shoulders slumping, Lan Zhan says nothing for a time, rigid back giving way to a bent weariness. He is so tired of this. He's tired in a way he never knew he could be.

"None of it," he says.

Not marriage, not the women that come with marriage. He wants none of it.

[reachforblueskies]

"Wangi." Lan Xichen leans forward, his manner intent. "Then I will not allow uncle to try and talk you into it, I promise. Do not burden yourself."

[thesecondjade]

"Mn," is the only sound he makes for a time, eyes fixed on some point off in the maze of bamboo that cover the hillside.

After an inordinate amount of silence passes, he gestures once, pulling something out of his qiankun sleeve It's a little tin, secured with ribbon. He opens it, and extends it with it's delicate stacks of lace cookies.

"A gift from a baker," he said, offering them up for the tasting. "For assistance rendered. Orange, almond, and ginger."

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen smiles, pleased - both because of the offer, and because his little brother is getting the recognition he deserves out in the world. Delicately he plucks out one of the orange cookies.

The scent is almost more rich than he expected, given the delicacy and purported flavor of the treat, but there is a faint thread of citrus. The taste is also not quite what he expects - the citrus more sharp, but fleeting, the delicate cookie melting despite the initial crunch. He really can't help that noise of surprised appreciation.

[thesecondjade]

Is he though?

He doesn't say anything about services, or the baker. Just eats an almond cookie, and says nothing at all.

After all, he's gotten Lan Xichen to shut up, but he hasn't addressed the real reason he's upset, and he... can't. Otherwise he has to reveal the secret he's been guarding for over a month now.

[reachforblueskies]

"This baker of yours is quite talented." Lan Xichen notes, "Is this a newcomer to Caiyi Town?" While he doesn't have direct sway over the local township, he does try to maintain a friendly relationship. Encouraging a good local baker would be in everyone's best interests.

[thesecondjade]

"She is not," he says, because that's true, she's not. "She is far afield. But if I encounter her again, I will ask if she will let me get more."

He's going to at some point. When he can live down the humiliation from outting himself to Wei Ying.

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen raises a pointed eyebrow at Lan Wangji - far afield? When recently he has been kept closer to home? And these treats are still so fresh?

"Wangji?" He knows his brother doesn't lie. He also knows his brother has enough artistry with words to not lie but still entirely avoid a clear picture of the truth, if he wants.

[thesecondjade]

Master of obfuscation, Lan Zhan nevertheless sweats when his brother realizes the last time he was too far from Gusu was not nearly enough to have satisfied his brother. Lan Zhan folded his hands into his lap and began to think.

"I've gone further out for night hunts," he says, which is true. Now, distract with a question about a related issue that will make Lan Xichen think about something else: "Are you going to tell Uncle?"

Will he have to kneel with the implicit threat of the discipline whip in his hands some more?

[reachforblueskies]

The answer should be: of course yes. Lan Qiren is their grandmaster, it is his right to dole out punishment and reward in turn. But...

But.

Lan Xichen is a man tired of war. It came for him and his years ago, and he followed it out into the world. It is now over after fire and death and rivers of blood, but now it is here at home again, between those he loves most.

"Should I? We worry about you, Wangji." He worries, at least - his brother has been unsettled for so long now, and has been keeping his own council on what has gone wrong.

[thesecondjade]

The rift between Lan Zhan and Lan Qiren grows ever wider, as Lan Qiren sees any deviation from the Code of Lan by the letter as deviant, and Lan Zhan begins to question if letter of the law interferes with justice as it should be meted. That's the problem with children: they're not rote talismans, behaving as a parent wishes they were written. They're little people with their own minds.

Now, Lan Zhan is an adult who lost part of his youth, had the best part of his youth banished, and is just starting to accept who he is and what that mean for his life, both good and bad.

Bad: He will increasingly be at odds with Lan Qiren.

"No," he says, finally, which is probably the answer that is both expected and yet, completely unsatisfying for both of them.

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen sighs, accepting but still so terribly worried. Idly he pets the little bunnies as they meander around his feet, and considers brother.

"Wangji, won't you let me help you?" He asks, letting the stress and worry leak into his voice.

[thesecondjade]

"What can you do?" he asks. "No one is coming to Gusu with me. The Jin will not change their course anymore than the Yiling Laozu will. We are headed--"

Headed to another war, he thinks. Headed toward pain and suffering and loss, blood and tears. The icy ball of hopelessness in his belly is heavy, dragging him down and numbing him to faith in a better tomorrow.

"--I do not know where we are headed, Lan-xiongzhang, but it is not a place where one finds peace."

[reachforblueskies]

"Perhaps not. But we will be stronger facing it together." Lan Xichen reminds him, gently. "Wangji, please."

[thesecondjade]

"Will we?" he asks, looking at Lan Xichen with something like bleak surrender. "If it comes to it -- do you expect me to stand with the Lan, or with the Yiling Laozu? Will you stand with me, or will you stand against me? "

Will he make the right choice, when he doesn't know what the right choice is? What is black, what is white? No one told him about all this damn gray.

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen wants to reassure his brother that he would support him, no matter what. Wants his brother to know that whatever else may happen, there will be no argument between them.

But he is shackled. He is responsible now for the lives of all the Gusu Lan, and he has already seen his clan decimated. He never wants to face a moment again where he is told to take the most precious books of the clan and run, to leave the rest behind so the clan could be renewed, perhaps, at a later time.

"Why must we be at odds?" He asks, and cannot help how plaintive he sounds. "Surely there is a path to bringing all to agreement."

[thesecondjade]

Muscles in Lan Zhan's neck jump tight, as he struggles for a moment with what he means, what he wants, what he fears. It's all so tangled now, with so many lives.

"I let him go," he says. "At Qiongqi Path. They were grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles. Two teenage girl younger than I. A child no more than four. Where is the justice in hunting them down? In making them targets? How many articles of the Gusu Lan does that violate? The right thing was to let them go. But it breaks the rules of inter-clan conduct! When they are in conflict, what then?"

Lan Zhan's voice has risen -- not to a shout, that'd be yet another rule -- but enough that the tension makes it crack. He has no good answers for this.

"Article 476: Preserve the wisdom and lives of the elderly. Article 906: Protect those who cannot protect themselves. Article 1439: Honor your promises, keep your oaths," Lan Zhan says, and the bunnies scatter from his feet as he rises. "What rule do I break to obey uncle? What rule must be laid aside when the Jin come to the Burial Mounds? I swore with him-- we would protect the weak without regret. How can I do that now?"

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen's expression tightens - this account of the Wen contingent that left with Wei Wuxian is markedly different from what is told by the Jin. While he does not doubt his brother, must he then doubt his sworn brothers? At some point, they must have been told a lie.

"Consider, if they had been brought to Golden Carp Tower that night. Then all would have seen what you have reported, and we may be in a different place now." He notes, gently.

[thesecondjade]

"So Jin Guangshan could demand the exchange of the Stygian Tiger Amulet, leverage the Wen lives against Wei Wuxian?" Lan Zhan says, voice sapped of all warmth. He is so weary of the double-talk of politics.

Still, he is being heard. Maybe he can do something here. "Lan-xiongzhang, you cannot think that they adhere to same principles we do. Their words are not 'be righteous', they are 'illuminate the world with vermillion light.' All Jin Guangshan desires is to shine the brightest."

[reachforblueskies]

"So all could see the truth, rather than setting the word of one against the word of a clan." Lan Xichen corrects, some of Lan Qiren's sternness slipping into his voice. "And surely you must agree, that amulet is doing Wei Wuxian harm - it would be best for him to be separated from it before it corrupts him entirely."

He hopes an appeal to Wei Wuxian's health will help sway Lan Wangji, if nothing else will. Some of the little bunnies seek shelter from the ongoing argument under his robes, their little noses soft against his legs.

"Gusu Lan is not yet strong enough to fight the Lanling Jin, but we may sway them to the more noble path if logic, instead of might, is used."

[thesecondjade]

Lan Zhan is very quiet, head bowed for a time.

"Lan-ziongzhang, what if... what if he can't be separated from the Stygian Tiger Seal?" he asks, still refusing to look at his brother. "Wei Wuxian has never clung to things. Jiang 'live free' and he does so more than anyone. I think... I think he can't pick up the sword again. Chenqing isn't a preference, it's a crutch."

He took a very deep breath, and then said: "I think something has gone wrong with his Cultivation."

[reachforblueskies]

"Then it is even more important to bring him to a place he can be helped, rather than having to stand on his own at the Burial Mounds." Lan Xichen argues, his expression echoing his brother's worry.

"Didn't you want to bring him here?"

[thesecondjade]

"If he wished to come, he would be here," Lan Zhan says, even more quietly then before. "He-- he refuses. I cannot simply make him come to Cloud Recesses."

Then he really will be his father's son.

[reachforblueskies]

"Yunmeng Jiang has disowned him, Lanling Jin considers him a criminal, and Qinghe Nie has shown no interest in bringing him into their fold. You must convince him, Wangji - if he is ill, he will need the aid."

There is an underlying warning to his argument - if Wei Wuxian has not been accepted by Lan Clan prior to everything coming to a head, if there isn't some proof that he is returning to the fold, there will be very little any one person can do.

[thesecondjade]

"I will not force someone I love against their will," Lan Zhan says, eyes flat and a drone. There is no feeling, just the shut down of someone who hurts too much to let himself feel anything else past this moment. His heart his heavy for it. "He will not come. He does not listen. He fears losing himself to the ferrule and the whip. If uncle will make me kneel for seeing him, is that an unreasonable fear?"

He turned, back gone rigid, and bowed. "I will leave first."

Then he headed for the path, hand a fight fist at his back, the other tight on Bichen's sheath.

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen sighs. He wants to call after his brother, hug him as he hasn't since they were both children, ease that line of heartbreak.

But his shackles tug, and instead he watches Lan Wangji walk away, to face his demons alone.