[OOM] One Month of Longing Begins

[thesecondjade]

With Yi City and Tan Zhou now behind them, Lan Zhan and Wei Ying had returned to Cloud Recesses and the Jingshi. Some layout changes had to be made to fit a second bed, but it could be done. Wei Ying snuck out regularly, and though Lan Zhan worried, he could not be upset. This was a hard time for them both.

Yi City had showed them both what they had been, and what they had lost in sharp relief: when Song Lan had left with the shattered soul of his cultivation partner tucked into his robe and Frostwork strapped to his back, Lan Zhan could not help but see himself. The walking dead, carrying the weight of two men on his back.

I will bear it, he had said -- of grief, of punishment, of all the things between. He'd meant it, too. Song Lan would never rest, and unlike him, never hope to see his beloved again.

Wei Ying had been acting strangely since Tan Zhou, though, and Lan Zhan thought it best to give him space to sort some things out for himself. He wasn't sure what had happened in Tan Zhou, but he was both lighter hearted and troubled in turns. Perhaps Lan Xichen had given him a great deal to think about, or perhaps the Curse marks have bothered him further. Time kept ticking onward, and neither of them could slow or stem its tide.

While Wei Ying was out again, Lan Zhan found himself an afternoon among the rabbits, stroking soft ears as he made sure the scraps from the Lan kitchens made it to the spot outside their burrow. As they munched on ribs of bok choy and radish greens, he tried to find his own island of calm among them, putting thoughts of Song Lan aside and simply trying to find a meditative space in this daily ritual.

Comments

[thesecondjade]

"When would I? Between training to get his strength back, searching for clues as to who might've be the party we will find at the Jin that could be connected to Mo Xuanyu's revenge?" Lan Zhan asks, already immensely drained by the line of questioning. He knew it was going to happen at some point, it had to.

He just hoped it'd be after Wei Ying survived. When he might allow that hope to be tasted, however futile it might be.

"He has, apparently, inquired briefly about my status as a widower; he suspects my wife to be Luo Qingyang," he adds, failing to resist the rolling of his eyes. "The girl he tried to flirt with and impress. Despite having been told to his face that I had no interest in women -- which he immediately suggested I might court Jiang Wanyin -- he still persists. He does not feel the same, brother. Let it go. I have."

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen sighs, closing his eyes against this onslaught of... what? He'd call it teenaged drama, except one of these men is decidedly old enough to know better. The other might be permanently hopeless, but it's too soon to tell.

"If I might make a suggestion?" He asks, though his tone is not that of a question. "Wei Wuxian has never been known for his self-serving nature. Is it beyond reason to think that he would not actually consider that you are interested in him unless you directly tell him so?"

[thesecondjade]

"I refuse to add to his burdens -- or hopes -- if he is doomed to leave us again," Lan Zhan said as he resumed petting the rabbit. "My feelings are irrelevant at the task at hand. Should he live to see past the curses he's had wound into his flesh, then perhaps another course can be considered. I can tell him about Lan Sizhui. I will tell him about--"

Wen Qing. Wen Yuan. Maybe, maybe his foolish heart.

"I will tell him all the things he needs to know," he says quietly.

[reachforblueskies]

Lan Xichen is, for a moment, rendered speechless. Of all the hare-brained...

"You haven't told him about Lan Sizhui?" He demands, and doesn't wait for an answer. "Of course he thinks you married, what else is he supposed to think of a man who has a son and wears white? It's been over a decade, and you are heir to Gusu Lan - whatever else he may know, Wei Wuxian at least has a passing knowledge of sect politics."

Not that he seems to care to use it beyond infuriating everyone he can, but still. He was first disciple of Yunmeng Jiang.

[thesecondjade]

"He doesn't know about Lan Sizhui at all," Lan Zhan says, voice ratcheting up a notch. "He speaks of me as Hanguang-jun; as far as I'm aware he is just among junior among juniors. So of course he doesn't know. Lan Sizhui does not need any further upset, either. He doesn't remember. What good would it do to hurt them both, if Wei Ying leaves us again?"

Leaves us, he says. Wei Ying left them both bereft. He didn't even realize A-Yuan was sick within the caves, and he pulled his hand from Lan Zhan's own grasp. Wei Ying left them, and damned if Lan Zhan will give him anything unless he can stay, this time.

It hurt too much the first time to have it happen twice.

[reachforblueskies]

Oh. There it is. Beyond more logical and arguable reasoning, the actual reason Lan Zhan hasn't actually openly courted one Wei Wuxian.

Well.

Sometimes Lan Xichen thinks that their mother's ghost haunts the Cloud Recesses, for all that her presence is still felt. He's fairly certain, however, that no amount of Requiem would send her on her way. Not when Wangji can still feel the chill of the snow that surrounded him, as he waited for a door that would never open. He'd been angry, the way young boys are angry, when he realized no one told his brother that their mother wasn't just 'gone', but dead. It wasn't until later that he realized no one had actually told him either - he was just old enough to understand the meaning behind the words and heavy silences they were given.

He sighs, heavily.

"Wangji... how safe will he need to be, for you to speak to him?"

[thesecondjade]

"Safe enough to see past the curse. Safe enough that he's seen a moon grow fat twice over. Safe enough that every day is not a terrible gift, when they become as commonplace as pebbles on the riverbed. When he is safe to live how he chooses. Then," Lan Zhan says, already exhausted by the idea of losing Wei Ying, "then, I can tell him."

He will not.

But he could.

[reachforblueskies]

Over a decade of having to deal with sect politics keeps him from rubbing his face. He understands why Lan Zhan is so reluctant.

That doesn't mean it isn't immensely frustrating. He's watched Wei Wuxian follow Lan Zhan around like a lost duckling, all big eyes and quick smiles. This is not the fearsome Yiling Patriarch, calling up an army of the dead to take his vengeance. This is not an uninterested man, taking what help he can get to survive. They could be happy. Is it such a crime to want his brother to be happy?

"And you will speak to him... when you've both gone grey?"

[thesecondjade]

"I will speak to him when the time is right," Lan Zhan says, still petting the rabbit in his arms. "Not before. Once he has lived past this mess he is entangled with, we can look to a future. Whether he comes to Gusu or not... will, as always, be his choice."

The discussion has drained Lan Zhan of hiss calm and good humor, graying him now. He would love to grab hold of that happy ending. But happiness and safety have been ripped from his hands time and time again. His fear is sensible, his reluctance reasonable.

Even now, over a decade later, his heart still hurts, the scars still pull uncomfortably, and he wonders if immortality if actually a goal he should strive for.

[reachforblueskies]

... Well. This can only end in heartbreak.

Lan Xichen would press his point further, but he doesn't actually want to fight his brother. He's only just started rebuilding something like the relationship they had before Wei Wuxian died, and he doesn't want to lose that. Doesn't want his brother to lose this safe harbor, when these two hapless men manage to miscommunicate their way into separation again.

It'd be funny, if it wasn't tragic, how the two best minds of their generation fail to understand each other.

"As you will." He concedes, "But please have a care for your happiness as well, Wangji."

[thesecondjade]

Lan Zhan musters up his wan smile and nods. "I will, brother."

It's as kind and intimate as he can get, and as honest. He'll care about it. Whether he'll act on that remains to be seen, but... he'll at least think about it.