Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji | Hanguang Jun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thesecondjade) wrote2021-03-24 10:42 am
thesecondjade) wrote2021-03-24 10:42 am
[OOM] One Month of Longing Begins
With Yi City and Tan Zhou now behind them, Lan Zhan and Wei Ying had returned to Cloud Recesses and the Jingshi. Some layout changes had to be made to fit a second bed, but it could be done. Wei Ying snuck out regularly, and though Lan Zhan worried, he could not be upset. This was a hard time for them both.
Yi City had showed them both what they had been, and what they had lost in sharp relief: when Song Lan had left with the shattered soul of his cultivation partner tucked into his robe and Frostwork strapped to his back, Lan Zhan could not help but see himself. The walking dead, carrying the weight of two men on his back.
I will bear it, he had said -- of grief, of punishment, of all the things between. He'd meant it, too. Song Lan would never rest, and unlike him, never hope to see his beloved again.
Wei Ying had been acting strangely since Tan Zhou, though, and Lan Zhan thought it best to give him space to sort some things out for himself. He wasn't sure what had happened in Tan Zhou, but he was both lighter hearted and troubled in turns. Perhaps Lan Xichen had given him a great deal to think about, or perhaps the Curse marks have bothered him further. Time kept ticking onward, and neither of them could slow or stem its tide.
While Wei Ying was out again, Lan Zhan found himself an afternoon among the rabbits, stroking soft ears as he made sure the scraps from the Lan kitchens made it to the spot outside their burrow. As they munched on ribs of bok choy and radish greens, he tried to find his own island of calm among them, putting thoughts of Song Lan aside and simply trying to find a meditative space in this daily ritual.
Yi City had showed them both what they had been, and what they had lost in sharp relief: when Song Lan had left with the shattered soul of his cultivation partner tucked into his robe and Frostwork strapped to his back, Lan Zhan could not help but see himself. The walking dead, carrying the weight of two men on his back.
I will bear it, he had said -- of grief, of punishment, of all the things between. He'd meant it, too. Song Lan would never rest, and unlike him, never hope to see his beloved again.
Wei Ying had been acting strangely since Tan Zhou, though, and Lan Zhan thought it best to give him space to sort some things out for himself. He wasn't sure what had happened in Tan Zhou, but he was both lighter hearted and troubled in turns. Perhaps Lan Xichen had given him a great deal to think about, or perhaps the Curse marks have bothered him further. Time kept ticking onward, and neither of them could slow or stem its tide.
While Wei Ying was out again, Lan Zhan found himself an afternoon among the rabbits, stroking soft ears as he made sure the scraps from the Lan kitchens made it to the spot outside their burrow. As they munched on ribs of bok choy and radish greens, he tried to find his own island of calm among them, putting thoughts of Song Lan aside and simply trying to find a meditative space in this daily ritual.
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Once again, he finds his brother with the rabbits that are definitely, entirely 'wild'. Most certainly not pets. How could one even consider such feral creatures as pets?
He smiles at his brother, petting the bunnies, and wonders (not for the first time) what life might have been like if war and its consequences hadn't gotten in the way.
"Wangji." He calls, softly, so as not to startle the herd of definitely wild beasts that have come to his brother for cuddles.
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Years ago, he would have stiffly stood at attention. He would have been rigid. But Lan Zhan has learned to bend a little as not to break.
"Do you need council, Lan-xiongzhang?" he asks, resuming the bunny petting. "Or do you come offering, now that Wei Ying is here?"
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"I wish you wouldn't do this," Lan Zhan finally says, after he's thought for a span of heartbeats. "There is no wedding. He barely remembers anything from the Sunshot campaign, or his youth. Or me. IF he survives this at all, it will be a miracle."
Don't ask him to hope. He refuses. It's like swallowing poison and hoping the antidote will fall into his hands somewhere down the line.
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However, Lan Zhan hasn't abandoned his widower's white since... well. Since. He's made it quite clear to anyone who cared to look that he considered himself both taken and left behind, and didn't care what anyone else thought about it.
(Lan Xichen has been forced to hear many people's opinion of it, at length, over endless pots of tea. It's immensely draining.)
"Have you honestly not spoken with him about this?" He demands, after a long moment to recapture his composure. Honestly, little brothers. He suddenly misses Nie Mingjue's council more than ever.
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He just hoped it'd be after Wei Ying survived. When he might allow that hope to be tasted, however futile it might be.
"He has, apparently, inquired briefly about my status as a widower; he suspects my wife to be Luo Qingyang," he adds, failing to resist the rolling of his eyes. "The girl he tried to flirt with and impress. Despite having been told to his face that I had no interest in women -- which he immediately suggested I might court Jiang Wanyin -- he still persists. He does not feel the same, brother. Let it go. I have."
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"If I might make a suggestion?" He asks, though his tone is not that of a question. "Wei Wuxian has never been known for his self-serving nature. Is it beyond reason to think that he would not actually consider that you are interested in him unless you directly tell him so?"
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Wen Qing. Wen Yuan. Maybe, maybe his foolish heart.
"I will tell him all the things he needs to know," he says quietly.
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"You haven't told him about Lan Sizhui?" He demands, and doesn't wait for an answer. "Of course he thinks you married, what else is he supposed to think of a man who has a son and wears white? It's been over a decade, and you are heir to Gusu Lan - whatever else he may know, Wei Wuxian at least has a passing knowledge of sect politics."
Not that he seems to care to use it beyond infuriating everyone he can, but still. He was first disciple of Yunmeng Jiang.
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Leaves us, he says. Wei Ying left them both bereft. He didn't even realize A-Yuan was sick within the caves, and he pulled his hand from Lan Zhan's own grasp. Wei Ying left them, and damned if Lan Zhan will give him anything unless he can stay, this time.
It hurt too much the first time to have it happen twice.
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Well.
Sometimes Lan Xichen thinks that their mother's ghost haunts the Cloud Recesses, for all that her presence is still felt. He's fairly certain, however, that no amount of Requiem would send her on her way. Not when Wangji can still feel the chill of the snow that surrounded him, as he waited for a door that would never open. He'd been angry, the way young boys are angry, when he realized no one told his brother that their mother wasn't just 'gone', but dead. It wasn't until later that he realized no one had actually told him either - he was just old enough to understand the meaning behind the words and heavy silences they were given.
He sighs, heavily.
"Wangji... how safe will he need to be, for you to speak to him?"
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He will not.
But he could.
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That doesn't mean it isn't immensely frustrating. He's watched Wei Wuxian follow Lan Zhan around like a lost duckling, all big eyes and quick smiles. This is not the fearsome Yiling Patriarch, calling up an army of the dead to take his vengeance. This is not an uninterested man, taking what help he can get to survive. They could be happy. Is it such a crime to want his brother to be happy?
"And you will speak to him... when you've both gone grey?"
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The discussion has drained Lan Zhan of hiss calm and good humor, graying him now. He would love to grab hold of that happy ending. But happiness and safety have been ripped from his hands time and time again. His fear is sensible, his reluctance reasonable.
Even now, over a decade later, his heart still hurts, the scars still pull uncomfortably, and he wonders if immortality if actually a goal he should strive for.
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Lan Xichen would press his point further, but he doesn't actually want to fight his brother. He's only just started rebuilding something like the relationship they had before Wei Wuxian died, and he doesn't want to lose that. Doesn't want his brother to lose this safe harbor, when these two hapless men manage to miscommunicate their way into separation again.
It'd be funny, if it wasn't tragic, how the two best minds of their generation fail to understand each other.
"As you will." He concedes, "But please have a care for your happiness as well, Wangji."
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It's as kind and intimate as he can get, and as honest. He'll care about it. Whether he'll act on that remains to be seen, but... he'll at least think about it.